Back, Back, and Back Again: The 2018 Edition

It’s a strange feeling when strangers cheer on things you abandoned at the bottom of your to-do list almost a year ago. Notifications ping my inbox every so often with appreciation for this blog. My reaction to them waffles between touched and guilty as I haven’t even thought about writing new posts in ages. But there is so much I could say, and so much that would be useful to others.

So, I’m going to try. My schedule is bloated right now with the weight of an entirely new life. Since I last posted almost everything has changed, minus my awful habits, self-defeating coping mechanisms, and faith in myself. All of those are still awful. But what has changed? Well…

  • I left my partner of six years in October 2017. I still love him. He still loves me. But we were killing each other. There’s so much trauma between us–in our pasts together and separately–so much pain and conflict and grief that there was no room left for anything but a revolving door of disaster, drama, and the peace that came from ignoring the issues. We have a lot of work to do on ourselves and our lives independently before we can even pretend to be healthy friends again, let alone partners. He’s still my favorite person, even though we’ve agreed not to speak for a while to give us time to think, heal and grow. It hurts, but five months out, I’m more stable. Admittedly, this is after another complete mental collapse, massive aggression spikes and toxic levels of depression. At this point, I’m confident saying I’ve grown deeper roots and sense an impending upward growth spurt coming on.
  • I transferred to a university and I’m not FINALLY pursuing my BA in communication with a minor in linguistics.
  • I drive in the city on the regular. Traffics’ only redeemable quality is that it allows for more music. Parallel parking is a spatial puzzle I have not mastered but I haven’t gotten a ticket for it or hit another car yet so there’s that…
  • I have entered into neurotherapy (there will likely be a whole post on this in the future), I’m seeing a new counselor on top of my psychiatrist, I’m working with a nutritionist to find the source of my GI issues, tons of testing is being done for my health issues, and I’m trying to be more physically active.
  • I’ve deepened my spiritual exploration and now run a private group dedicated to it, fostering a like-minded community that nurtures its members and our growth.
  • And the big one…I FUCKING MOVED OUT. *Throws confetti everywhere* I have my own house and live alone. I suppose I could pretend this means I’m a fixed boomerang, but until I’m supporting myself in full, I simply won’t believe that. Fiscally the situation hasn’t really changed, and my parents are still carrying my deadweight while I’m in school. That is the definition of privilege and I’m struggling a lot with the copious amounts of guilt attached to it. It increases the pressure to succeed and make money. Unfortunately, this is also giving me tunnel vision. Money seems more important than the things that fulfill me, and I know that’s not the right choice.

With all these changes, I have a lot of fodder for the blog. I can tell you about handling car issues, numerous lessons learned while moving, how to handle household issues, tending to chores, dealing with the paranoia of living alone, cleaning tactics, balancing home/school/work/health, etc. With luck, these posts will come semi-regularly in the future, but given I’m also drowning in school deadlines with it being the madrush between midterms and finals, it may be a bit before that actually happens. Also I’m finally forcing myself to take a full course load despite anxiety and poor time management, because frankly, I just want to be done. Of course, I may still go to grad school, which is its own special hell, but we’ll see. For now, know that I’m still alive, and with more help than I can bear to receive, moving forward.

If there’s anything you want to know about specifically, want more information on, or think I should write about, please drop it in the comments below. I’d love to hear from you. Feedback keeps me motivated to write, so honestly, any likes or comments you post would be doing me a big favor.

-L.

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