Back, Back, and Back Again: The 2018 Edition

It’s a strange feeling when strangers cheer on things you abandoned at the bottom of your to-do list almost a year ago. Notifications ping my inbox every so often with appreciation for this blog. My reaction to them waffles between touched and guilty as I haven’t even thought about writing new posts in ages. But there is so much I could say, and so much that would be useful to others.

So, I’m going to try. My schedule is bloated right now with the weight of an entirely new life. Since I last posted almost everything has changed, minus my awful habits, self-defeating coping mechanisms, and faith in myself. All of those are still awful. But what has changed? Well…

• I left my partner of six years in October 2017. I still love him. He still loves me. But we were killing each other. There’s so much trauma between us–in our pasts together and separately–so much pain and conflict and grief that there was no room left for anything but a revolving door of disaster, drama, and the peace that came from ignoring the issues. We have a lot of work to do on ourselves and our lives independently before we can even pretend to be healthy friends again, let alone partners. He’s still my favorite person, even though we’ve agreed not to speak for a while to give us time to think, heal and grow. It hurts, but five months out, I’m more stable. Admittedly, this is after another complete mental collapse, massive aggression spikes and toxic levels of depression. At this point, I’m confident saying I’ve grown deeper roots and sense an impending upward growth spurt coming on.
• I transferred to a university and I’m not FINALLY pursuing my BA in communication with a minor in linguistics.
• I drive in the city on the regular. Traffics’ only redeemable quality is that it allows for more music. Parallel parking is a spatial puzzle I have not mastered but I haven’t gotten a ticket for it or hit another car yet so there’s that…
• I have entered into neurotherapy (there will likely be a whole post on this in the future), I’m seeing a new counselor on top of my psychiatrist, I’m working with a nutritionist to find the source of my GI issues, tons of testing is being done for my health issues, and I’m trying to be more physically active.
• I’ve deepened my spiritual exploration and now run a private group dedicated to it, fostering a like-minded community that nurtures its members and our growth.
• And the big one…I FUCKING MOVED OUT. *Throws confetti everywhere* I have my own house and live alone. I suppose I could pretend this means I’m a fixed boomerang, but until I’m supporting myself in full, I simply won’t believe that. Fiscally the situation hasn’t really changed, and my parents are still carrying my deadweight while I’m in school. That is the definition of privilege and I’m struggling a lot with the copious amounts of guilt attached to it. It increases the pressure to succeed and make money. Unfortunately, this is also giving me tunnel vision. Money seems more important than the things that fulfill me, and I know that’s not the right choice.

With all these changes, I have a lot of fodder for the blog. I can tell you about handling car issues, numerous lessons learned while moving, how to handle household issues, tending to chores, dealing with the paranoia of living alone, cleaning tactics, balancing home/school/work/health, etc. With luck, these posts will come semi-regularly in the future, but given I’m also drowning in school deadlines with it being the madrush between midterms and finals, it may be a bit before that actually happens. Also I’m finally forcing myself to take a full course load despite anxiety and poor time management, because frankly, I just want to be done. Of course, I may still go to grad school, which is its own special hell, but we’ll see. For now, know that I’m still alive, and with more help than I can bear to receive, moving forward.

If there’s anything you want to know about specifically, want more information on, or think I should write about, please drop it in the comments below. I’d love to hear from you. Feedback keeps me motivated to write, so honestly, any likes or comments you post would be doing me a big favor.

-L.

Dinner Party

Look at me, posting almost on time-ish. Sure I might be a week off, but whatever, we’re in the neighborhood. So in the spirit of trying to curate useful lessons instead of bitching and moaning, I come bearing thoughts on last weekend’s (mis)adventures.

Friday, I hosted a couple of friends for a three-person dinner party, which was really just cooking, talking, eating, and the preamble that led up to the night. That being said, it was a surprisingly informative evening.

Lesson 1: Navigation

Michael and I had some stops to make in advance of obtaining Alex. These stops were in Denver. That meant Google Maps. As aforementioned, Google Maps is my primary anxiety squelcher when driving, however, it isn’t flawless. Due to not being the best with spatial orientation, as well as second guessing myself, I regularly miss weird or unlabeled turns. This is particularly true because streets often lack signs or have different names than the ones on the app. And it doesn’t always look like you’re there yet on Google Maps until you’ve already passed it. I did this, I shit you not, 6 times on Friday between our four stops. And it turned out the first shop we were hitting was permanently closed, so that was fun. Now, a good way to avoid this in the future would be to view the entire route and map before you start driving, rather than just hitting start and heading off. I plan to do this next time. Also, and this is a must for city driving, add ten to thirty minutes to your estimated travel time to compensate for missed turns, people not letting you over, traffic, and reroutes.

Lesson 2: Materialism

When you pick a friend up from a bar after they’ve had a little too much time to wait on you, double-check that they have all their possessions before leaving. When I snagged Alex, he spaced and left his bag at the bar. It didn’t even occur to me that he should have had one. I typically double-check my own stuff religiously but only ask after others’ when they’re leaving my house. Obviously, this isn’t your responsibility, but it is helpful, polite, and time-saving.

Lesson 3: Social Shopping

If you are having a dinner party it can be enjoyable to do the shopping together. It can also be a complete headache. This latter part is more likely when you haven’t determined what you’re making, who is paying for what, and only have 20 minutes until the store closes. So, the advice here is to have a plan. Before the day of the event, have everyone communicate about food preferences and restrictions. Make a menu. It doesn’t have to be complicated. As for paying for the meal, if you aren’t treating your friends, just have one person buy everything, divide it mostly evenly then have the others pay that person. Now, the trick here is if you want to just split the total, you cannot buy other groceries when you buy the meal food (a mistake I made) and since you’ll be keeping the leftovers, you should likely still pay a bit more. If you hate math enough, you could do an even split then split the leftovers into doggie bags. And, of course, get to the store with plenty of time to spare.

Lesson 4: New Recipes

When preparing a new recipe, be sure to fully strategize and analyze it. We were going to make bison when my friend, who had bought bourbon, insisted on bourbon bison. I hate bourbon, but he proclaimed it would all cook off. It’s important to note here that I also lack experience cooking meat (let’s be real, cooking meat is a nasty process) since I can eat it only sparingly. We used dad’s George Foreman grill, which the friend in question, who said he would handle the bison, had never used before. He said we could do it on there and then pan fry it with the bourbon and figs. Well, that did not work out. The grill cooked it twice as fast as expected, leaving it overcooked in the pan but not cooked long enough to cook off any of the bourbon. I gave half of mine to him and barely touched the figs. So, the lesson here is two-fold. 1. Do not let friends override your preferences, particularly if it’s on the main course. 2. When marinating meat, you really should do it the night before, and only cook the meat one way unless you know how to get fancier. In our case, we should have only cooked it in the pan. And used less bourbon. Or, ya know, no bourbon.

Lesson 5: Hygiene

Keep spare toiletries on hand for friends. I usually do this, but I donated all of my spare toothbrushes and toothpaste a couple months ago. On Friday, I did manage to find one that is a replacement for the one I keep in my purse. I’ll have to get a new one, but it worked in the moment.

Alright, lessons learned hopefully. This blog is briefer than the last, but honestly, that may not be a bad thing. As always, hit me with questions or comments below.
-L.

The Passenger Mentality

 “From the margins, the world looks different.”

-Kim Addonizio

I have lived the majority of my mobile life with a passenger mentality.

Passenger Mentality n.:

1. The state of mind connected to riding in the passenger seat of a vehicle.

I never really gave a thought or glance to those who drove me or how they drove me (excluding instances of blatant errors or extreme recklessness). It only mattered that they were moving me, that we were going somewhere else. In the meantime, I kept to my windows and the world wandering by them, I indulged in the music and more often than not, conversation. I would ask questions and tell stories, quote concepts I had learned and stray factoids, always attempting to engage the driver in my ceaseless thoughts. Naturally, while blathering on and watching out the window, I would also try to share the sights I saw with these drivers. Of course, that usually merited the exasperated reply of “Lauren, I’m driving.” However, despite the frequency of that response, I have discovered that this state of passenger being also extends to licensed drivers when they themselves become passengers. My brother directs attention to peripheral skies while my mother motions to the shoulder buffaloes and exclaims, “Oh look! They’re out!” There seems to be something infectiously speculative about being a passenger, something so mentally encapsulating that it closes off any recollection of the driver’s seat and its rules.

Passenger Mentality n.:

2. A mental state of being in which a vehicle’s passenger asks the driver to look at, do, listen to, or understand one or more things while the vehicle is in motion, neglecting to recall the complex, involved, and focus-mandating nature of operating a motor vehicle.

What makes the phenomena so fascinating for me now is how thoroughly and even defensively, I embraced it. I knew there was a state beyond it, one more conducive to my natural demeanor, but still I refused to relinquish my seat and the skies that chased it. I am a perfectionist with exactingly specific standards and a near non-existent tolerance for any failure to meet them once they are understood. Yet, there I sat, contentedly absent any control, strapped into a metal cage careening down the asphalt at upwards of 65 MPH. Why was I okay with this? I suppose it comes back to fear, to a carefully crafted cowardice. Initially, driving was the adult thing, and like a job, I had no need to worry about it let alone do it. But gradually, it became a peer thing, a thing I was required for the sake of normalcy to do. Then suddenly, kids almost a decade younger than me were doing it, and their eyes quietly questioned me when my baby brother boated me about. But still, I did not want to do it, I could not do it; I did not want to give up the soothing psychological block, I could not give up the protection of my passenger mentality. If I wasn’t the one driving then nothing bad could happen, not when someone else was in control, not when I didn’t have to act or think. Like my parents who had made my world move for years, like teachers and babysitters, like engineers and civil servants, the Driver was an infallible guardian angel with safety net wings and unblinking eyes.

Passenger Mentality n.:

3. A state of denial in which the passenger loses touch with the realities of riding in a vehicle and relinquishes complete control to the driver.

The human brain is impressively fond of clinging to superstitious delusions for comfort. A locked door will only ever be unlocked by family members late at night. Sirens are never used by bad guys. Doctors know all the answers and never miss the mark. The driver of your car knows what he’s doing. What’s truly impressive in my case, is that this protective barrier of passenger belief survived one rear-ending, two black ice spinouts, one mirror-mangling sideswipe (with my window down), and countless collisions with snow banks. I clung to my uncharacteristically firm faith in The Driver like an Old World talisman. That is until, after a hundred visions of death and dismemberment, a thousand excuses, too many years and too little practice, I passed my driving test on December 7, 2012 and was forced to transfer that foundationless faith to myself. Needless to say, something that intangibly fragile did not survive the move. It dropped and cracked open, exposing how hollow it had always been.

Passenger Mentality n.:

4. The antithetical state of being of a driver.

It did not help that the test was dangerously simplistic. No driving on the highway, no U-Turns, no navigation, no parking (let alone parallel), no advanced maneuvers of any kind. After a two and a half hour wait (with an appointment) it was just ten quick minutes down the street, into a neighborhood and back again. I was as relieved as I was appalled. In a generational age of constant phone calls and tenacious texting, an age absent Driver’s Ed. in schools or adequate parental instruction outside of them, this was all the D.M.V. tested would-be drivers on? This was all it took to gain a license to operate high-speed, multi-ton machinery on a road with hundreds and thousands of other drivers every day? No wonder so many advocate defensive driving; the highway has become a battlefield of well-armed but poorly trained soldiers and friendly fire abounds.

Driver Mentality n.:

1. The belief of a driver that no one around him or her knows how to properly operate a motor vehicle.

Paradoxically, I have managed to take this in stride (mile markers). I have begun applying the same exacting perfectionism and control to driving as I do to the rest of my life, ritualizing it into reflex. Open the garage door, slip into the car, place purse on the passenger seat and phone in the cup holder. Turn engine on and simultaneously put seatbelt on, check gas level and tire pressure while releasing the emergency brake, and if it’s night time, turn on headlights. Glance in the mirrors and over a shoulder before backing up and continuing to look in the mirrors. Shut the garage.  A dozen tiny tasks woven repetitively into a fluid blanket of habit.

Driver Mentality n.:

2. The mental state of making a machine’s movements match the driver’s.

Practice breeds perfection. I am not a great driver, but I am a good driver who is getting better. I still can’t parallel park (even with a co-pilot), backing up is like going through the looking-glass in a hall of mirrors, and I require a two-car-sized cushion of empty space in front of me at all times. The tension is ebbing, though and it’s getting easier. I don’t make thoughtless mistakes that would make mother’s gasps turn to taut shrieks. I don’t forget the little things, like turn signals and checking both ways. I don’t grip the wheel so tightly that my fingers pulse when I finally release it. I don’t turn the wheel when I check my blind spots. But most of all, I don’t hate it. I actually like driving alone, thinking and moving alone. So long as I know the roads and which way to take them home, I don’t panic, I don’t fear, I don’t feel any differently that I did before I buckled up. Time is eroding my passenger mentality, making it into something more tangible, more fluid and adaptable, turning the rigid rocks of false belief into soft sands that can roll with the tides.

In a way, I think it’s fitting that my first completed goal, my first learned life skill, was obtaining my driver’s license. After all, driving is all about movement, about momentum, about going forward and controlling the car and yourself. So here’s to having the drive and knowing what to do with it.

Driver Mentality n.:

3. The mental state in which a driver takes control of the vehicle and uses its momentum to move towards his or her intended destination.

Driving Me Crazy

Almost a decade ago when I was 15 years old, all my friends were getting their driver’s licenses and permits. Naturally, wanting to stay up with the in-crowd, I bounded over to my parents tail-a-waggin’ and asked if I could get my permit. The answer, contrary to what they say now, was a resounding “NO.” I asked more than a few times before eventually losing interest. After all, my best friend had just gotten hers, so, ultimately, I had little need for one.

The years slipped by unnoticed and suddenly I was 18 and Dad was demanding to know when I would drive. This was a couple of years after I had begun consciously collecting phobias. I thought about his question for a moment and realized just how thoroughly the concept terrified me. I had been so removed from thinking about it that the mere idea had me hiding behind walls of aggressive dismissal.

How could I, a girl who barely controlled her mood swings, let alone her life, be expected to control a ton or more of moving metal at high speeds on highways and back roads, bullied by the traffic teeming around her? It was too much.

But why did it scare me?

There’s a car downside up. There’s a girl half outside it, half in. There’s a girl, her insides half outside. She’s a puddle on a low tide beach of glass cubes and gravel, shining in a sunset of flashing blues and reds. It’s harder to hear than to feel. Everything muffled by her pained pulse. There’s a man, his edges indistinct, blurring into the blinding lights behind him. He doesn’t understand that she doesn’t understand.

He asks again, touching her. Did he ask if it hurt? Stranger danger! The childhood chant summons itself into the hollow hole of her mind. She wants to laugh. There’s not enough air to laugh. Why? What was on top of her? A glance up gained comprehension. The door was on her, off its hinge. The door was off its hinges, in her.

“Miss, you’ve been in an accident. Try not to move.”

Why does driving scare me?

Because my brain never stops writing. But rather than be a one trick pony, my innovative little brain started writing excuses on top of its frightful fiction, each as logical as the last.

“I’ll get a license when I go to college.”

“I’ll practice this summer when the roads are clear.”

“I can’t drive the Jeep while she’s using it to get to work.”

“I can’t practice if you keep loaning the car out.”

“I’ll get it when I have a car.”

Between 18 and 22, I drove a grand total of ten times. I hated it. It set flaming nails to my nerves and pounded them in with each passing car. How could I be expected to survive? An irrational fear that I would die in an accident at 23 (spoiler alert: I’m 24) tightened the tension and my grip on the wheel.

Fear mixed with a wounded pride when my brother got his license at 16. My brother is four years younger than I am. Worse still, was the discovery that of all my teachers, he was by far the best when it came to driving. Despite our fights and differences of opinion, we somehow managed to click while driving. It was a Goldilocks kind of thing. My mom was too hot, gasping, grimacing, gripping the door, and crying “Careful!” at every move I made. My dad was too cold, disinterested, ambivalent, and inattentive whenever we drove, more focused on his phone than the road. But my siblings were just right. My sister calmly corrected and talked, pointing out that I was doing fine and my fears were unjustified, though perhaps she was a touch too supportive. My brother was laid back but impressively aware, keeping up conversation while course correcting and offering advice I’d never heard before (“Don’t turn the wheel back into place, loosen your grip and let it slide back on its own so you don’t overcorrect.”). However, no matter how “just right” the meal is, it can’t last.

Eventually, our different mindsets brought our conflicts to the road as well. Like my dad, my brother lacks the ability to empathize with my worldviews. He doesn’t understand why I don’t just drive down and get my license. His logic (or lack thereof) is “Just do it.” Those words still make me cringe, regardless of what they’re referring to. Just do it. What on this planet or any other is that simple? More to the point, how could someone tell that to a person who was quite literally prone to anxiety attacks at the thought of driving and expect said person to not be offended? Offended is putting it lightly; I was livid. Nothing frustrates me quite so much as being misunderstood, and for him to think that it was so simple proved that he had misunderstood a great deal.

That said, months later I now stand on the verge of “just doing it.” As of August 25th I have my own car and drive to school with Mom almost every week. I’ve conquered driving back roads and highways, I’ve mastered not turning the wheel when I check my blind spots, and I’ve even parked in the garage next to Mom’s car without hitting it. Parking in general and backing up still pose a bit of a problem, though they are far from the monoliths they once were. Admittedly, I’ve never once attempted to parallel park. Presently, my issue, the last lap keeping me from the awkward photo-finish that is any form of identification, is yet another concept: driving alone. I’m comfortable driving now, to a degree, but so much of that has to do with the person in my passenger seat, the person who saves me from mind slips and calls out “Red light!” or “Blind spot!” the person who plays the pivotal role of failsafe, of safety net. I know that when I’m finally forced to do it alone, the anxieties will return, the unsteady lack of confidence that can be all too fatal.

I promised them the test at the end of October. I promised them the test when I got my car. I promised them so many things so many times. I promised myself. I feel the excuses behind me, see them pointing out exit strategies and pushing me towards the escape hatch.

But I have a lot to do.

But it’s Halloween next week.

But it just snowed.

But I am busy.

But I can’t do it right now.

But I can’t parallel park.

But I can drive.